it's official

I'm an insomniac, and I hate sleeping pills.  Instead of fighting against the awake, maybe I should just utilize this time I know I won't be sleeping to do something productive.  (Like writing this?)  I guess productivity is all in the eye of the beholder.

Part of the reason I lie in bed awake are my thoughts.  I think about all the things I probably should have thought about during the daytime, but didn't.  Or couldn't.  Or just wouldn't.  I take the hours of 12 - 4 or so to analyze every aspect of my life (and others), and wonder why I can't make it better.  Maybe that's insane...or the ADHD I'm always told that I probably have (which I refuse to embrace, but have my own suspicions). 

So maybe I should write them all down.  Share my analyzations of my world.  Hell, it might help me sleep.  Or at least get to sleep before 5 in the morning.

Tonight, I lay awake sort of baffled.  Anyone that knows me knows I've been single now for a year.  Ok, it will have been a year on February 14 (yeah, I was that girl).  I did the breaking up.  They would also know that I'm sort of a serial monogamist.  I hate labels like that, but by damn, if there's one that applies to me that would be it.  Anyway, the whole single thing is a new world for me.  I'm a baby.  I'm 3 months away from 30, and I've never dated around.  I don't even really know what that means honestly (and obviously).  I've had my boyfriends, and lots and lots of guy friends to hang out with plutonically.  I still have the guy friends, a few of which have tried to move into the dating category...unsucessfully.  I'll tell you why:

1.  Guys (and people in general) want the unattainable.  Once they realize you can be attained, party's over.  No fun there.

2.  I'm waiting on this one.  How do you move from being asked out...having a great time...then not really talking to them again until they realize you are once again unattainable.

Maybe I'm generalizing here.  It's my experience though.  It happened today.  And last week.  And two weeks before that.  I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but it seems to be a fact.  Boys want what they can't have.

Serial monogamy doesn't lend itself to girlfriends either.  I see shows like Sex and the City and wonder who has girlfriends like that.  I know people do.  I don't.  I have guy friends.  I have maybe 5 really great girlfriends scattered across the globe.  We sure as hell don't meet up 3 times a week and talk about boys.  This leads me to believe that maybe I missed out.  Maybe if I did, I wouldn't be sitting here confused as hell about the gender that I actually find myself being friends with much easier.  And why can't I transfer that?  And do I really want to right now?  Obviously, as it wouldn't be bothering me.

A few years ago, if I had stumbled upon this blog, I would've laughed.  I would've laughed at the hilarity of a girl actually caring about something so dumb...and more so, that she would write about it.  Let me take another step and be cliche as fuck:  Karmas a bitch.  And that's a whole 'nother entry...